Some unexpected things...
new books to investigate and tough realisations.
As I am sat at my desk, looking out of the window at my garden at the peonies that are in full bloom now, I notice two other plants right beside the window, that are coming into flower - unexpectedly. The huge New Zealand Flax (Phormium) and a smaller Phormium, both which have up to now flowered every five years are showing flower stalks. And I’m sure it isn’t five years since they last flowered. What a treat! I wonder if it is the long warm May, followed by a week of rain that has compelled them to send up flowering stalks. Who knows, I’m just delighted to see them. They aren’t too attractive right now, but when the flowers are in full bloom they will be stunning.
Other unexpected things include a visit to a fantastic old textile mill on the way back from Cumbria last weekend. Farfield Mill (https://www.farfieldmill.org) is an fascinating museum and heritage centre, with artist’s studios and a gallery/shop selling the artists’ work. All the studios are open so you can chat with the artists and see their work in progress. I am always fascinated by artists’ sketchbooks so that was an unexpected treat. As was this beautiful pot for my tools and brushes and a new floral-lined, leather journal (thank you hubby). Do go wander through the website - it is almost as delightful as visiting IRL.
While we were ‘up north’ we also visited Dove Cottage in Grasmere - the home of Wordsworth, now a museum of his life and work. Wordsworth wrote that it was “The loveliest spot that man hath ever found” and it was pretty special to sit in his garden and see the view he had enjoyed. The unexpected thing here was to discover the importance of his sister Dorothy in Wordsworth’s life as a poet. Her observations of the landscape, of people encountered on walks or who came to their door, and the conversations and memories they shared inspired many of the poems that Wordsworth wrote during their time at Dove Cottage. Dorothy’s Grasmere journal, written between 1800 and 1803, brings their world to life as much, if not more than, Wordsworth’s words. Definitely visit if you are in that part of the world. https://wordsworth.org.uk
New books
Two friends have new books out which I will be reading this month. Cynthia Morris (who I highly recommend as a writing coach) celebrates the launch of her novel, Her Lisbon Colours. “What happens when you've made all the right moves but ended up in the wrong place?” The novel follows Darla Clarke from Boulder Colorado to Lisbon and Paris, as she rediscovers her creativity, her dreams and herself.
Uma Girish launched her fourth non-fiction book Sacred Fire: Memoir of A Marriage in May. Her book asks: “How do two people who love and respect each other walk hand in hand when they’re navigating very different soul paths?” It tells the story of how Uma’s spiritual awakening brought her and her husband to a crossroads moment and what happened next.
Both books are available from the authors and the usual booksellers.
Also on my book pile this month are Why Women Grow: Stories of Soil, Sisterhood and Survival by Alice Vincent, The Position of Spoons by Deborah Levy and Parts of Me: A Teen's Guide to Exploring the Inner World with Internal Family Systems by Calandra Balfour. You may wonder why I’m reading a book for teens. To be honest, I thought it might give me a practical stance on Internal Family Systems and some guidance for my inner teen.
Realisations
It has been a tough week for my 96-year-old mum and for me. Having been very active and independent all her life, she is now slowly grinding to a halt and having to accept that she can’t do many of the things that she would like to. Like cleaning her own house. It must be a generational thing, cleaning is not high on my list of things I want to be able do when when I’m 96. I have other plans which mostly involve still being creative and still writing.
Mum is having to come to terms with the idea of having help in the house and possibly personal care too, as everything is getting to be a bit of a struggle. She is juggling pain management and stoicism. I am reminded of watching our lovely horse, Penny, start to decline with arthritis and not being able to keep her comfortable no matter how much pain relief and supplementation I gave her. Decline is tough to watch, and it’s sad to realise that if my mum was a horse, I’d probably be thinking about that ‘big’ decision. But mum isn’t, and divine timing will determine when she’s had enough. It’s hard to watch her suffer and know that at this point no amount of love can make her more comfortable or save her from the inevitable decline.
It’s also hard to hold the tension of wanting to get on with so many of my own plans (the feeling that I am finally hitting my groove and just getting started, not to mention trips and travel) and at the same time feeling slightly awkward that my life is starting to blossom as my mum’s is fading. She doesn’t share my interest in mythology, psychology, philosophy, and Human Design, so it is hard to include her in that. We do share a passion for gardening. Sometimes I feel like I am living two lives - one she can share and one she isn’t interested in. I expect this is very common in mothers and daughters, and I certainly don’t want to share ‘everything’ with her, but still it feels weird. The emotional labour is tiring. As is trying to keep all the plates of my lives spinning. Right now I’m just sitting with it all - and taking it for walks.
So… while I work through some of the emotions and practicalities, I am cutting myself some slack. For the summer months, I will have a different writing rhythm and let it evolve as it will. I may read more than I write. I may share more of other Substack writers that I am enjoying. I will still be here, but maybe not every week. We’ll see. I will go with my flow.
Until next time… thank you for being here, for subscribing and reading, and sharing my world. I deeply appreciate you.
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This is such a lovely edition of your newsletter, Tina. I feel for you and your mum. You express so well the complexities of life, aging, and dying. THANK YOU for sharing my novel here. I love the way you speak of it. Thank you for sharing!